image :: experience -- life flow
silence :: draw -- clear plan
6/1: Notes-after the trip. It was almost a disaster trip, I lost my ski pass, and felt locked in, but at the same time a relief, being totally lost is a sensation in itself. What would be my next step, but just surrender to what is to come. I went back to the place where we had lunch, and asked around. A young boy said he found a card, and led me to the place where he had put it. I thanked him multiple times, and his face twitched from happiness, his proud mother next to him. The card actually did not belong to me, but to a guy, whose first name was Rene, It was valid for two days, but unfortunately we did not use that extra time!
From my notes in the train back to Amsterdam, altogether an exercise in self-control,.In other words, a relief to return home,... dark moods, sweaty sleep, doubt about discipline, effort for action, as I said a moral exercise in self-control, but still enjoying life, in search of energy, themes and (felt) value! Skiing, another experience, exercise, take a deep breath, and continue, falling down is OK, getting up not so easy, but so far I got up each time. the last time I walked back, because the guy that helped me up said that the snow was no good. He was walking, so I followed him.
7/1: As for the family, their work and study provides a cover and protection against being drawn into the demands of a life filled with duty, obligations and emptiness. Just let me do my living, my way!And yes it takes discipline to do my exercise, when the girls go shopping!
8/1: The Winterberg experience, industrial solitude, thinking about moral sources, trying to be human and be part of the family, writing! And what if I miss my full exercise schedule for one day? Radical thought or action? Exercise, face reality ,look, read experience.
9/1: After the disaster trip to Germany, today we have another disaster birthday. Last year was a drama, this year no drama, but the mood seems even worse.
I just remembered, a group of four people gave me a rose, I gave my virtual rose to my wife, but she refused. In reality, I gave it to my youngest daughter. She accepted, and the group was surprised, They thought I was alone, but no, look, he has a beautiful young daughter. Amazing!
Two days ago I threw my oats cookies, that I had bought that day in the garbage bin, to avoid another (continued) dependency, or should I call it a potential addiction!
Another memory, now. is that a couple notified my wife, that man is following you. No, she explained, he belongs with us. Surprise!
20/1: Yesterday, after looking at the fotos of her at MAQAM, she started reproaching me for the role, or rather lack of a role, I played in her life. She got angry when I said she was apparently preparing for therapy. It kept going on and on. Very tense, and, in my opinion, arguing in a chaotic way. I told her to make a clear distinction between intention and interpretation.
When I came back home, I told my wife about it. She understood, but started arguing as well. Together we went out to eat something. I didn't feel well, all that time, but appreciated the initiative. Fortunately, before teaching SK m the evening, I managed to do my exercise, upside-down, to keep up my discipline. The lesson went well, I think, but altogether it felt like a toxic day! Today, I bought a new set of pens for my phone, and started the day, after bringing my daughter to school, again barefoot. But now, I am writing wearing my socks
.21/1: Slowly recovering from a toxic day, after an update: of battle-of-love with memories and references I feel better, or at least I should, though still I feel a bit shaken!
22/1: How to deal with the cold, how to deal with the age, how to deal with the children, the busy program, etc.. All of these seem to be in my own hand, it is in other words, a matter of choice, or with a reference to my online work, one element in the battle of love, just find the right frame, and everything will find its way. I write this a few days after my toxic meeting, not totally recovered yet, but working on it. with discipline, and trot find the right mindset!
Data Objectives Problem Abstinence Mindfulness Insight Nect step Experiment
25/1: STOP SMOKING
1/2: Still in the process of stopping to smoke, but I will/must take back control, still, I doubt, lower the amount/volume, yes, that makes sense!
3/2: Trying to be creative, and adapting the photos in future and family (via children), Just click on like! I failed, since the remarkable just gave back the color photos, and my skill in manual processing is low, It feels like an existential crisis, and in some sense it is, in that I must adapt to lower levels of proficiency, then I used to have. Fortunately, she passed her exam, with 8.5. The highest grade. Competitive!?
12/2: Strong opposition, battle. and it proves to be very hard to get rid of an addiction,.- what do you mean,... with my own two hands,... I keep struggling to survive, with even some doubt whether I should make the attempt. Today's theme: attitude, with as a three word phrase: school - no comment and then I proceed with: realising that I am in the center of a conflict that runs much deeper than I realized, but then again I have to admit, this is part of life.
13/2: What is there to say, what is there to write, even though it seems to make sense, it is just empty air, suggesting relevance, but without direct impact like smoking a cigarette. It seems better just to sleep and (continue to do) exercise.
15/2:... and I keep writing, and updating my site, still a bit of exercise, but less, due to the stiffness that makes me feel ten years older than a month ago, hoping it will recede, so I can be more vigorous again and struggling with whether to smoke or not to smoke, with at least 'the intention to-reduce the amount, for reasons of health and pressure, although I am strongly against being driven by the moral force of an overly health-fanatic environment!
And now the question seems to become, whether, or what, or when I draw, to train my hand skill and give artistic expression to my self!Today I smoked four cigarette, and, indeed, I even feel a bit guilty!
17/2: Confusion, I already smoked two cigarettes today, which means I am notfree, yet!
19/2: More experiments, no upside-down yet, and struggling to stop with smoking, see where it all leads to, with as a motto, go with the flow!
25/2: Day by day, the pain does not go away but, yes it is a bless, it does become less!
Compensatory path cycle posture movement -- quality/variation muscle imbalance tendinopathy - force transfer arthritis/aging/collagen / self talk recognize refuse relax re-frame resume -- a long time no writing
20/5: Write a little bit... she said fuck-off, after a discussion about directing the children.. "All the neighbours gossip" said her parents, about me, that is, how I look... We discussed whether I should go with them to China or not. I decided to go, and immediately bought new pants, Levi 501 black 28/32. The pants were not delivered in time, and I regretted my decision, but after talking to a chat-bot, on whatsapp,I was referred to an agent, Joyce, and, finally, after a bit of waiting the pants came in today. I posted a drawing on facehook, It has three likes.
All in all strenuous days, and I got tired of all the complaints and criticism. Just a moment ago, she criticized me for playing the invisable man. And, ironically, this was just the role I assigned myself after all these criticisms,, including the criticism I feel from other people, for example my fellow kenshi from shorinji kempo. The phrase fuck-off is not acceptable, but again I take it in silence. These days I easily get dizzy, when I walk or do exercise. Fortunately smoking is a ritual now, but still, we see where it goes.. enough writing for now.
24/5: Of course I could start writing now, about women self-defense, my personal solitude, the dominant role of my wife in our domestic life, and how I could rebel against that, or accept, with sufficient resistance to impose my own limits. I could write a diary, or even a book, based on my fight & write material, and the collection of memories I continue to gather from facebook. And, of course, I could write about the space I created to write, both on paper and digital, notepad, my re-paper, and possibly in the (near?) future my TopJoy or even kindle scribe, combining reading and writing. But I can also choose for letting life go by as this, with only incidental notes on either tablet or paper and postpone the writing until it is really needed, and just continue reading, until I am done with that!
26/5: And then, here is this big white sheet of paper to write, but write what, my adventures, or my intentions, or my future, it is all in the mind, but writing is fun, or it should be, however it easily turns into another moral obligation, to be creative, or productive, or active, but active doing what? Well, obviously, writing, for whatever it is worth, as an act of expression!
31/5: But where to go from here? Now, sitting in my corner, reading about violence, thinking what to do, reflecting on incidents of domestic violence, planning, or at least thinking about planning, my future, my rights of self-regulation, and my capabilities of individual subsistence, if needed without support from anyone. Nevertheless, I do not aspire a lonely life, a life of solitude. I do enjoy the kids, that is, the young girls, and I admit I do depend on the family, the three women in my house, to give me joy in life. A bit of reflection makes clear that my life without them would be empty. So, I do impose a limit on my protests, and my attitude of rebellion, and try to conform to the rules imposed on me, such as limiting my smoking,. washing my feet, and cleaning the kitchen of honey. Nevertheless, I (will) refuse to submit myself to unreasonable moral restrictions and unfair criticism that aims at suppressing my vitality, or, even if not so intended, results in putting me down, limiting my joy in life, or in other words killing me mentally. Authorative dominance is a cultural trait that I do not accept. I never did, that is my personal history, refusing to accept stupid moral dominance, as a rebel.
2/6: And here I sit again not sure what to do, after running, to comply with the moral obligation to be active and fit, but, in all honesty disappointed with my level of fitness and overall physical condition, and, sincerely, tired of all moral obligations, eventhough I cannot deny the necessity of imposing such obligations on my (current) life, an issue of lifestyle, you might say. What do I want with my life? Well, although it is nearing the end, being over seventy, I still wish to continue it, even after considering suicide to end all suffering, including the physical pain, the mental boredom, and the annoyance of domestic life, with a wife that becomes increasingly dominant, imposing in my view unnecessary moral constraints, with respect to outer appearance, cleanliness and issues of hygiene, partly due to her background culture and partly to her competitive nature, which amounts to playing power games to establish her status. But after giving it some thought, I decided that it is better for me to go along with many of these things, and adopt a partly stoic attitude or warrior mind, and try to see the positive side of things, that is take profit of the opportunities this life offers and do my own thing without too much thinking, presenting a zen state of mind to the outer world I live in. Note, for now my choice is to write on paper, with my 2B 0.5 pencil, my favorite tool, also being motivated by the desire to be independent of electronic devices, and stay unplugged, leaving the use of these devices to the production stage, that is when I decide to publish this material.
3/6: Time is precious, don't waste time because you will regret it. And so, is writing on a tablet a waste of time, or time well spent, avoiding the emptyness of not writing, even though looking at the sky, in an attempt to empty the mind might be true well-spent. But it does lack the joy of practicing the hand. So the question remains, what is most important in the end, emptying the mind or employing the hand!
17/6: Yesterday, I took the tram to go to the Zeeburg camping where mother and daughter stayed, sleeping in a small tent bought for an earlier hiking tour in Bakkum, about a month ago, to relieve the tension from intense studying, and as a reward for the positive, that is actually negative, diagnosis of a potential brain tumor. Negative, in the sense of nothing of the sort. That is, positive, no brain tumor in sight, just a psycho-somatic symptom, likely a result of stress, that was characterized by the medical doctor as functional neurological disorder. As I said, a big relief, but of course the agony of the symptoms remained. What to do? Well, go for a hike! Now with all the stuff available for camping and hiking, including a tent, a sleeping bag, as well as a suitable backpack for carrying all that stuff, she decided for another hike, at camping Zeeburg, and to do some kayaking, as well as just take a rest in a more natural environment. Then, after the first night, she decided to invite our oldest daughter, and planned for the youngest and me to come for the saturday, not for camping, but just for some swimming and kayaking. Since she didn't look on her phone when we arrived at the Flevopark, the endpoint of line 3, we started walking, and after some thoughts, looking for the bridge where to cross, what I think, is the Amsterdam Rijn kanaal. At some point, a woman started talking to my daughter, who was about ten meters in front of me. We crossed the bridge and met my wife and daughter at the campsite. At-the campsite, after some ten minutes, a police car came in, with two young, I think Maroccan guys, cops. They started talking to my daughter, then my wife joined, and then I went to them as well. They explained that they got a call, apparently from the woman, who was worried that something might happen to that little girl. The policemen now were satisfied with with the safety of the situation, but they took my name. Her mother thought it was due to my clothes, but I see it differently, that is I agree that my appearance arouses suspicions, but it is not so much my clothes as my posture and attitude. Typical middle class prejudice. Neurotic fear, fed by tension. It is their problem. And I have to cope with it. But my limits are clear, I think, that is the-benefit of such an (amusing) event!
13/7: After my youngest daughter's birthday; on my way to-meeting my other daughter: who refused to go into the details of her therapy ... as a writer I take distance, and observe, just letting the impressions flow ...
23/7: It takes a long time to get organized, and then for what purpose, to feel more efficient, being in charge, being able to do things with which to express or show myself, supporting the ego, let the thoughts flow into actions, using my hands to write or draw, giving the impression I have a true grasp on things, on reality. Really? Or is it just an impulse driven from competitiveness, showing that I am still able to deal with all the technical stuff, on an equal level, or even better than my wife, who too often criticizes me, and so my efforts may also be looked at as a way to restore self-esteem, to support my ego, which is too strong in her opinion, and that of many others, but which, in my opinion, is necessary to manage myself, and deal with all the responsibilities that my environment, which includes her, imposes on me. And then, life continues! Jotting down a few words. Does it make a difference? It does, in terms of time spent, of effort to be productive, and it is the kind of activity, or noise, if you want, that certifies a particular form of presence, the expression of a part of our hidden self, in combination with the mental turmoils that occupy the mind at a particular moment. On the other hand, I must realize that writing these words is in some sense just another moral obligation, to fill the space that is left, so I can store the paper away in my personal archive of jotting, which contains mostly memories and mental eruptions, that might be looked at either as a reflection or an escape from current reality. I started the day with writing, about individual autonomy and diversity, which might be considered as ramifications preparing for our trip to China, which likely will be full of tension, unless we succeed in keeping our heads cool. As a writer, I can take distance, in an attempt to confirm my role as a wiser aging person. Whether I should go public with it remains an interesting and intriguing question, which requires some more jotting, in the future!
27/7: When is the best time to take, or jot down my last notes, just before leaving for China, now or later, when there is daylight? Difficult to answer, and in a way a silly and stupid question. Just jot down what comes to mind, and don't postpone, waiting for the right moment, go with the flow, avoiding items on a to-do list that blocks the mind from living the moment. In other words, keep it simple! Well, that is for me, just let it go, whatever happens is not my problem, as long as I stay relaxed and do my own thing.. I am quite well prepared, and have the material to smoke, write and draw, and as such I am prepared for a period of solitude, looking at the clouds and minding my own business, except that I feel responsible for the well-being of my children. The challenge for this period will likely be to (re) learn the language, not that I intend to speak a lot, but just to be able to listen, and perhaps even understand what is going on, and to respond in a surprisingly advanced way, wu wei, that is non-action in action!
8/9: Looking at all the faces, I feel withdrawn. All these people, their face muscles prominent, I feel the need to avoid, stay friendly, fake a smile, and then leave, making up an excuse, as if I am busy too, which is only partially true. The real truth is that I am tired, due to the heat, 30 degrees and over, for the last couple of days, and still exhausted from our trip to Shanghai, with the almost non-stop pressure from the parents of my wife, and her withdrawal, forcing me into passivity, that I tried to cope with by reading and even re-learning the (Chinese) language, which I found more difficult than expected. Nevertheless, I caught up with a few bits and pieces, most notably robot (jigiren), dizzy (han) and foggy (momo), which is my youngest daughter's nickname. Back in Amsterdam, I feel a bit stiff, and tired, still reading too much, yesterday for example Gravity's Rainbow, a heavy and rather chaotic novel, too long. And giving it an effort to read through, the result was that I couldn't sleep, but nevertheless, today I forced myself to take a walk in the park, and to put two drawings on instagram, imposing a moral obligation on myself to stay active and to possibly being a bit creative, despite the limitations on my eyesight! In a way it is a (big) disappointment that both my older children did not contact me after our return, but of course I could also see it as a relief, their life should not be based on my existence, but on their own drive to live a meaningful life. For next week, I have to prepare myself for taking up the daily business of living, bringing my daughter to school and meeting my paternal obligations, that is keeping in touch with the other parents and the kids' teachers.
16/9 - Back from Shanghai, a story in itself, confided to paper, struggling with my eye sight, although that seems partly a matter of focus, Nevertheless, steps are taken to find a remedy, for the long term. For the short term, it would suffice to take an extra -5 point for the strength, but an operation might be a better solution, allowing, according to the promises, a life without glasses or lenses. Well, even if it sounds almost like a joke, we will see! It was nice to see my granddaugther, and my son as a father. Yes,I feel old, but then again I deserve to feel old, and I will keep making an attempt to act according to my age, experienced and wise. All I have to do is keep up my eexercise, keep reading, and keep writing. It all requires some discipline, but I think it is worth it!
21/9: When I left this morning, bringing my daughter to school, she just grummed, almost not responding, I felt bad, this is unacceptable, I thought, but I controlled my anger, and told her to say bye bye to mama, to which she responded more clearly, almost cheerfully. Also with the other one, when she came down, her response was almost vigorous, no doubt fuelled by her worry for and the hassles around the school survival trip and the missing keys for the bike. I return home, after doing some shopping, eat a bit and lay in bed for almost an hour. But, out of a sense of duty, I got up,to do my things, and read. I even considered to run away, but instead did some writing, to take distance!
6/10: It has been a long time that I felt so bad as today. Tooth-pain, a headache and a very bad feeling about how my wife left for the retreat. I could make jokes about it, like I prefer to go forward, not to retreat, but that does not describe the issue or characterizes it in a clear manner, nor does it indicate the problem underlying her cool departure, or does it touch upon the possible consequences, which if the worst occurs might end m breaking up. Anyway I already feel a longing to escape this situation. The reason, behind this all, anger on top of emotion and worry about the menstrual problems of our oldest, an in itself understandable worry about the health and safety of children, including the other one.
Yesterday, I agreed to meet my son and his daughter, at the creche. When I went to school to get my own daughter, she, told me that she could go home by herself, and as I said OK, she and her friends showed a very rebellious attitude, emphasizing:, go, leave us alone. When I came home, a bit after six, longing to smoke a cigarette, my daughter was not there. After some pressure I made a phone call. The one friend was already home, but without our daughter. With the number I got from her I called the other friend, and my daughter told me me that we had agreed that she could go with her friend to turnen, which is not true. She insisted on staying with her friend and said she would collect her gym clothes before going to turnen. Today she told me that she was accompanied by her friend, which was a great relief and confirmed my trust in her. Why was all this such a problem. Well, the reason is simple, I had to teach, since I was the only replacement. But her mother told me that I had acted in an irresponsible way, and kept repeating that full of anger, eventhough I emphasized that our daughter,, being ten now, was rebellious, and that I trusted her, in being able to return home in a safe way. Many of the children in her class have an attitude of independence, they are clearly growing up. Fortunately, the lesson went well, despite, my mood, er perhaps even because of it. When I returned home, my daughter was in her bed, as eepected. But my wife stayed angry and the atmosphere was tense. I did not sleep very well, and today still suffer from a bad mood! So, with a few days to go, what will be the consequences.
7/10: Indeed, we will see where we go from here. In the end it might be anywhere!
8/10: I just wrote I little piece about how bad I felt when she left for the retreat, Just complaining about "your irresponsibility", mine that is, because I did not take all the precautions she considered necessary when our youngest wants to play with other kids. But I trust her, and I was amused how rebellious she was, and in the end all went well. She and her friends grow up fast, no reason to worry too much and fall into the trap of the anxious parents. That day I also saw my son and grand daughter, and later my oldest daughter joined. After that I had to leave and teach. Despite, or perhaps because of, my bad mood, teaching went well and the kenshi were satisfied, as I was myself. Well, just jot it down, and take some distance. Task done!
12/10: After writing a short piece on paper, I return to my tablet, my remarkable tablet, to put in practice what I advice to other people, keep breathing and write, to take distance and being able to observe what's going on, and to profit both from the reflective flow that writing allows for, and enjoy the practice of manual dexterity, as hand writing with a pencil can give. And that doesn't even touch on the possibility and pleasure of poetic insights!
Yesterday was again a demanding day, after two extensive phone calls with my two years older sister, who is in some way very much involved in the problems of both our younger sister, as well as my older daughter. She is very emphatic, overemphatic you might even say, and somehow has a confusing lack of focus, going on about things she only barely knows about. However, her concerns with possible traumas is sincere and do have the potential to be helpful for them in dealing with their problems. And of course I listen to her, and try to respond to her questions and issues with sincerity. So, with a few days to go, what will be the consequences.?
Toxic said my wife when I told her about the topics of my conversation with my sister, whixh included rape and obsessive/depressive behavior of mothers, sprawled with memories of our childhood, from where I already took distance and was exceptionally well-treated by our mother, likely because after her first son died at the age of eight months, I was a longed for replacement. This might also have been the cause of the distance between me and my father, now I think of it. Anyway, indeed, toxic topics, and after the second call this evening ,I found it hard to fall asleep, likely due to the tension of a long talk.
But life goes on, and fortunately after a few hours my self-advice, keep breathing, worked, and I did fall asleep, occasionally waking up with spasmodic movements, from dreams that I now do not remember. Confused chaotic dreams. Her criticism of the therapist of my daughter, calling her a totally unstructured character, which made her come each time crying out of the session, seemed to be well taken though. Personally, I do not know the brand of therapies she was talking about, and somehow I distrust people in group therapy sessions. They seem often not to be very supportive. My advice, when I was told about the group therapy, was simply, observe and take distance, for instance by writing about it!
Tomorrow I will see the eye doctor, for a first consult on the possibility of improving my eye-sight. After experimenting with my old glasses I feel that a great improvement is possible, but of course it remains an issue, how much improvement is possible and at what cost. Looking forward to the treatment, I noticed that I suffer from the well known paralysis by analysis syndrom, observing myself too closely. I experience balance problems, diarrhea, and, indeed, the fear of falling. Of course this is aggravated by the heavy talks and confrontations, as also by all the complaints, but this should not deter me from the major issues of my life, the well-being of my family and children!
31/10, Blind sight., Is it possible to write without lenses, with limited sight? Apparently it is, and it might be worthwhile to keep notes, in a time as demanding as this, with a wife that is annoyed all the time, and acting dominant towards me, rebellious children, and a body in pain, from feet to toes, but a mind hopefully strong enough to keep up with exercise, upside-down, and all the rest. In other words, keep writing, since it allows for taking distance, observe, and keep my judgement private. Writing is a skill,that allows to grasp the various aspects of reality, indeed, with the hands!
5/11: What do I mean when I say minimalism, and how am I able to express myself when I keep a discipline too strict to allow for apparently superfluous gadgets?
8/11: In the cave, biding my time, exercising with blind sight, blessing or curse?
Rewrite, from my diary on paper:
16/11 Confession, I did steal the "ventiel" protection from another bike., to protect my bike, that is the air control. But then I put it back, based on moral considerations! And later I got another one from the bike shop, forfree. And bicycling to the party went well,
18/11: And indeed, as written in A History of Writing (Foster), writing reduces depression, improves the immune system, and gives expression to thoughts and feelings, which may be used in the future to cope with emergent problems, so keep writing, to be able to take distance and stand above, or cope with, the immediate problems of life. Not so much as a way to know myself, but as a means to practice the craft of using the hand, to be able to take a firm grasp on life, and develop my character by contributing fragments of potentially meaningful words, insights!
21/11: I accidentally cut my small beard in front, how stupid! I felt very bad and could not fall asleep, getting up a few times to inspect the damage, cutting other little pieces of hair, to make it look better. Fortunately, I got a few hours of sleep, and did my exercise. Then my wife complained that our daughter made an "empty promise", telling she was up when still lying in bed. That is not an empty promise, but a lie, I told her. You can close the door she said, stopping the conversation. The usual thing! Now, I have to see whether I can live without my front beard. observe -- watch face ... Well. anyway, I have no choice!
25/11: The noise on the street, the voice that screams, the lights blinking, fading away, against the dark clouds, amplifying the light of the sun, that dazzles my eyes, and twirls my brain, suppressing the pain in my feet, in the hope of forgetting about my mistake, accidentally cutting my little front beard, surely an error, but on the positive site it might make me look younger, at least more regular and normal, straightening my face, forcing me to take a stance, and exercise my way to power of body and mind,, with effort, but also periods of rest, which allow me, even if I am getting old, to deal with the cold.
26/11: And yet another day, Slowly the feeling of missing my little beard is disappearing, making place for the feeling of growth into a new appearance, where the old image, fading, is considered the old fashion, to be renewed by a more sharply delineated profile, facing the world in a new way. Still it takes an effort to find my place in this world, and accept the periods of solitude and silence that will take me through the confrontations and challenges of daily life! ... And there is only one simple advice, keep up the discipline. Exercise, reading, writing and, not to forget, walking, are part of daily life, a way to maintain the life force, the energy that involuntarily propels us into the future!
30/11: Fighting the urge to go back to bed, to get more sleep and withdraw from the world, I push myself to read, and do my exercises, remembering the content of silence, which emphasizes that discipline is the only way to avoid the traps of both materialism and intellectualism. Or is this just another game of words? Anyway,that doesn't matter, it is simply mind over matter, and life continues, with reading and exercises, and of course taking care of the children, whatever it takes. Discipline is a moral precept, need to stay attuned to life and, not to forget, to participate in the community of the people around me, to attract the attention and respect of the people I need and care about!
2/12: I still bothers me that I cut off my small front beard, as if I am missing an essential source of (inner) power. However, I do think, or wish to believe, that without it, I look better, especially after touch-trimming my beard. And after all, nobody made a remark about my changed appearance, which I initially feared, as if it had destroyed my identity, in the eyes of other people. Apparently that was not the case. The thoughts keep going on, as if they will never stop. How to deal with the cold, as I am getting old, how to organize my schedule of exercise, to keep in shape, despite the hazards of my aging body, The motto for today is: time - move body, which could also have been: life- move body!
4/12: I am getting old, and suffer from the cold, went back to bed, which only make me feel worse, in other words bad. What shall I do, how will I. pass the true, dealing with the distance and lack of bodily warmth, There are the children, a source of joy, they are vital, but still have to make an effort, to comply with the demands of life, with my support, which is a source of energy and joy!
8/12: Why do I feel lonely? Is it because I am old and feel the cold. or that my body feels stiff, limited in its movement? Or that I feel easily tired, and almost any activity seems to require an effort? Or that I feel monitored, and criticized on moral grounds? Indeed, questions to reflect on!
9/12: Reading about the universe(s), checking SMS and whatsapp, in order to be able to withdraw myself from bringing my daughter to Snow World, a place I dislike, simply because of its dominant bourgeois middle class atmosphere, and of course the bus trips, that I find both demanding, due to my limited eyesight, and annoying due to the busy crowds and the noise. Instead,,I prefer to read at home, reading about the universe we live in and other topics, that in one way or another relate to myself and my current struggle(s) to survive. It is partly a matter of identity, and partly a matter of aging, and finding ways to avoid a serious decline of my condition, strength, flexibility and endurance. Related to this is the question how to present myself, evoking the right image to get the esteem that I deserve. An ongoing quest!
10/12: I still blame myself for cutting my small beard. Ironically, it may have been a good thing, it may have improved my outer appearance, taking away the pseudo-spiritual look of a sage, plucking his beard, something my son strongly detested.. But of course, outer look is not all, and my pre-occupation with this issue is (another) symptom of being ego-centered. But it is hard to find any recluse in an alternative way of being, like living for others, sacrificing myself / taking care of the family, teaching martial art. In effect, I consider most of these endeavors to be strongly ego centered, focusing on improving self-esteem by explicit adjustment to social and moral values, a hypocrite way of self-promotion, just look at the laces!
16/12: The year is nearing its end, and I am waiting for my eye operation, not looking forward, but counting the time, and preparing for what is to come, positive or negative, taking distance from what is happening around me, defending my personal space and liberty, to mow myself to live the life I want to live, even if I still don't know yet what life I do want to live, otherwise than just let it happen, and go along! Comment; strangely enough, suddenly the text I had written disappeared, fortunately it came back after. manipulating the screen. It did feel as a loss though, even if the written text was not very important. Although, who knows?
17/12: Another day, bad mood, stiff in the body, a bad night's sleep, being criticized all the time, spending most of my time alone, feeling the solitude, anxious for the coming operation, what a life,..., and it even takes an effort to decide what to do, even whether to write down my thoughts, or just skip it, accepting what life brings, or not brings, working for occasions to enjoy living, often in vain, thinking about ways to improve the opportunity of something worthwhile to happen, allowing chance to push facts into a destination worth living for. Well,just wait, and listen!
18/12: The first day after the eye operation, ..., can I still write, am I alive, am I happy with the intervention, wait and see, in a literal way, if not a literate way. Full of doubt, a bit stiff and cold, but I will keep my judgement on hold, and postpone further comments till later, now let's just fly with it, alligator ...
rebel -- go for it !
A. Eliens